I made the decision to breastfeed long before I had Carter-- I guess it's always been something I've planned on doing. If I'm made to do this, and breast milk has such clear cut health benefits, why wouldn't I? But who knew that something that has been done since the beginning of mankind would be SO INCREDIBLY HARD? It is, by far, one of the most difficult, most physically, mentally and emotionally taxing things I've ever done. Maybe some people have an easy time with it, but I'm not one of them.
I was so set on breastfeeding that when the pediatrician suggested supplementing with formula I kicked it into high gear and fed Carter enough that it wasn't necessary. However, the worry over him gaining enough weight and getting enough milk has plagued me for 6 weeks straight now. Brian and I have toyed with the idea of voluntarily supplementing with formula for three reasons: 1) Peace of mind knowing that Carter is, indeed, getting enough sustenance to thrive, 2) to afford a little more freedom in the daily routine (right now our schedule revolves 100% around feeding times, so no outing is ever longer than 2 hours or so.) and 3) because I'm not sure I'll be able to pump enough milk to hold him over for the first day or two of Daycare in January.
The decision to introduce formula was agonizing. Every night, we'd say "Should we do it? He seem's hungry..." But then I'd get upset and Carter would settle down and we'd just forget about it. We only planned on giving him an ounce or so to "top him off" and make sure he'd take the formula at all. It felt like failure to me... why would I give my son this "artificial" milk when I have my own? And when I've worked so hard to make breastfeeding work? I didn't spend three weeks in absolute toe-curling, breath-stopping pain every 2 hours, taking herbal supplements to try and boost my supply, and chugging water against my will just to mix up some powder anyway.
So finally, I got over my guilt (sort of) and Brian gave Carter an ounce of formula after his last feeding of the night... and he screamed for what seemed like all night. :( It broke my heart, and of course an even stronger surge of Mommy Guilt plagued me for the whole next day. We plan to try it again, but with the type of formula developed for babies with gas or fussiness that's supposed to be gentler on his tummy.
I know that formula isn't poison-- Brian and I were both formula babies and we turned out (semi) normal; and having a back-up will be a good thing. It's a big responsibility to be the sole source of nourishment for this guy! We don't plan to use it much at all... and the huge amount of guilt I feel is entirely disproportionate. Hopefully it will get easier on both Carter and I.
These are the stories of our journey as a family -- specifically those of our son, Carter Frederick, who joined us on November 1, 2009 and has provided a non-stop roller coaster ride of emotions and entertainment ever since. We hope his stories entertain you as much as us!
Carter Frederick Cool
5 comments:
I wish I could take your gloves off so you would stop beating yourself up. Unfortunately, everyone has their own brand of Mommy guilt, you just have to push back with logic as much as possible. Good luck my friend. This is a very mentally taxing age.
That must be a very difficult decision to make... Have you thought of just pumping and giving the expressed milk to Carter. I have been pumping since Syler was been born. I tried breastfeeding for a while, but he never wanted to latch. The schedule is not as demanding as breastfeeding (every 3 to 4 hours), but he would still be getting your milk and all the nutrients that come with it.
I totally agree with Becky. Stop beating yourself up about these decisions that you have to make as a mom! You're going to have so many decisions you have to make, and so many of them are so hard -- you just do the best that you can do, and don't look back to second-guess yourself!
yea, i have felt guilty about various decisions i have made....but that is all part of it. you have to do what works best for you and your baby.....he has already benefited so much from the breast milk you have given him so far.
Just go for the soy based one... don't even mess around with the "lactose free" - total waste of time.
You can do it Kristeen!
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