We freaked out. We cried like little babies -- first because we were excited, then because we were terrified, then because we felt bad for being terrified, and then some more because we were just so overwhelmed with feelings that there was no other way to cope.
We worried because I was sure that the cramps shouldn't be so bad and that we were miscarrying. We worried because we weren't sure we could afford it. We worried because we were both still afraid of babies, and because we weren't sure we were ready.
Then we got excited... we heard the heartbeat for the first time and saw the little blob that we were told was a baby. We got excited as I realized that those "gas bubbles" were really a tiny little foot stretching out to kick me, and when Brian finally felt that tiny little foot stretching even further. We got excited as we learned that our "Cooligan" was a boy, and got to pick out the paint for the walls in his room, and the bed and dresser he'd sleep in and put his clothes in.We got anxious as we installed car seats, and started receiving gifts at showers;
gifts that forced us to admit that we'd use these adorable little onesies and blankets and bottles. We got anxious as I got big and bigger and then huge, and when we were told that the baby was nearly 8 pounds at 36 weeks.
We went numb as I mechanically informed Brian that my water had broken and that we needed to call the doctor; as I packed a hospital bag with shaky hands, trying to figure out not only what I'd need, but what this little person who I'd never met would need. We were numb as we got checked in, tried to sleep, and then tried to have a baby.And finally, we fell in love... with a squirming little boy with a head-full of dark hair, with two tiny little hands, two perfect little feet, and two giant blue eyes; with the idea of this little being was equal parts of both of us. We fell in love with Carter.
A year later, we continue to be amazed at how much we love this little boy, and by every little thing he does. It's hard to believe it's been a year. Looking back, it all seems like a dream -- the first trimester exhaustion, the third trimester misery, labor preparation classes, decorating a nursery, heading to Labor and Delivery, learning I'd need a c-section, holding Carter for the first time... I still look at my little baby and wonder where he came from.
Our life now is crazy. It's chaotic and disorganized, complicated and frustrating. It's trying and challenging even on the best days. But it's so blessed, and so undeniably complete that I often find myself just in awe of where we are and how far we've come.I am a Mom. Brian is a Dad. And together, we've had the best year of our lives :)
5 comments:
You do it every time Kristeen...you fill my heart with so much pride and my eyes with so many tears! You and Brian have been blessed with such a beautiful son and he is blessed to have such beautiful parents.
That is a great snap shot of how things started to now. The day I found out I was pregnant shares something very special with Carter...it is his b-day (about 2 hours before he actually entered the world). I found out November 1st at about 5:30-6:00 that I was pregnant with my baby Carder and then I found out later that night you had baby Carter and knew it was just a fitting day and glad that I had waited a day to find out.
I thank you for your honest posts about at times being overwhelmed and stating your emotions so that others know that it is ok to have these emotions and they are real. Everything is not sunshine and roses.
Can't wait to see that lil' guy again. We are going to B-lo in 2 weeks maybe I can stop by on our way up/back.
Aw, I love this post! I also love the picture of you and Carter at the end, you look great!
I think its time that you and Erin put warnings on your tear inducing blog posts!! What is it about becoming a mother that makes you tear up at everything. I read somewhere that motherhood was like walking around with your heart permanently on the outside of your body...or something like that. It's true.
That is SO true Becky! It never ends either. Becoming a mother is awesome and being a mother to adult children is even more awesome! Being a grandmother is the best feeling in the world hands down!
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